New Life (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Hello friends! I haven't posted a blog in quite some time. When something happens in my life the first thing that I usually do is write! Writing is my escape. This time I just couldn't get the words to my fingers; however, I think I am ready to share my story as I have had time to heal and process everything that has happened.

About three months ago my husband and I received amazing news! We were expecting our very first baby. We were both on cloud nine! I was a little hesitant once I found out I was pregnant because I just didn't think that it could be real. I made an appointment to go to the clinic that very next day to confirm the pregnancy. After that, I told all of my family and a few friends. I just couldn't keep it to myself and on top of that, I wanted everyone to be in prayer for this pregnancy. I miss that feeling of knowing that God had created life within me. Such a beautiful thing. At the clinic they had made an appointment in three weeks to meet with the OBGYN.

Looking back, I had absolutely no clue what to expect. I only knew that we were going to have a baby in about 9 months. I was filled with joy. My husband and I excitedly waited for the OBGYN appointment to come so we could see how far along I was and we wanted to make sure that we were taking all of the right steps to have a healthy baby,

The first appointment came and we found out I was close to 6 weeks pregnant. I also learned all of the thousands of things I shouldn't eat and what I should eat. Really, it was a lot to take in. My husband and I just stepped right through the process and scheduled an appointment to have an ultrasound for that next week.

The wait for that appointment seemed like a year! I just wanted to hear my baby's heart beat. I was ready to have clarity and experience the feelings that all of my other pregnant friends have experienced. I walked every night like normal and I made sure to do "all the right things".

During this time, I was still in college. I was taking a class called Child Psychology. I seriously learned everything that could go wrong in a pregnancy. I learned what to expect and how to handle specific situations. The class taught me so much about the production system and the labor process. There is a huge difference between knowing something and actually experiencing it. My life changed.

The week slowly went by and the appointment arrived. I went in the hospital room and waited for the Dr. to come in to do the sonogram. As I am laying on the table holding my husbands hand, I heard the words that every couple doesn't want to hear. "I'm so sorry, I cannot find the heartbeat of the baby." Well, I had read several articles explaining that at six weeks not finding a heart beat could be normal so I took the information as a grain of salt. The Dr. then briefly explained that they wanted me to wait a whole week to try to find a heartbeat.

My mind was spinning! How was I supposed to wait a whole week? How was I supposed to just sit back knowing that they may never find the heartbeat? Wasn't there something more that could have been done? Looking back on the situation, I didn't have much explained to me at all about the situation. I was just told to wait and see next week.

I continued to wait that week holding faith in the idea that whether or not my baby was alive, God had him or her in His hands the whole time. I held strongly to that knowledge. Knowing this was the only way that I could go to sleep at nights. Even with this in mind, I still cried myself to sleep most nights.My husband helped me through every moment. Most nights he was holding me and I could feel God holding both of us. It was as if God felt our pain. So comforting.

On Mother's Day, the Sunday before my next appointment, I passed out getting ready for church. I just did not feel well at all. I ended up falling and hurting my neck and legs. I never want to feel like that again. At that moment, I knew something wasn't right. I just didn't feel okay. I read up on how I felt and found out that it was a symptom of pregnancy and it also was a symptom of miscarriage. Not comforting at all. I kept on telling the Dr. that I wasn't experiencing anything that lead to a miscarriage.

The next appointment slowly came and here I was sitting on the table again waiting for the Dr. to come in to do the sonogram. Once again, she explained to me that my baby measured smaller than the week before and there was still no heartbeat. My heart sank. I just laid there crying my eyes out because all of the nightmares I was having that week became real. My husband's head sank in his hands and I just wanted to comfort him. I met the Dr, in the next room and he really wasn't that nice to us. He wanted to schedule me for a D&C right then and there. I had no time to process anything. Heck, I didn't even know what a D&C was when I left that appointment. I told him I wanted to wait and he basically said that I needed to schedule a surgery because he didn't want to wake up that early for nothing. He was just really rude to us and we both felt that he saw our miscarriage as something to just "get over".

We walked out to our cars after the appointment and I called another OBGYN that I was told was really good. I wanted a second opinion and I also wanted someone to treat our baby like a baby. I wanted someone to show me proof that my baby had passed away. I wanted someone to give me the news with care. Life begins at conception; therefore, my baby was alive for six weeks! That means something to me.

My husband and I headed up to the other OBGYN that very next day and we were accepted with care and support. We didn't have to wait very long and I could just feel a real difference in the way that we were treated. We were brought back to the room and by the Grace of God, we felt really good that day. We knew that the probability of our baby being alive was very slim; however, we just clung to the knowledge that our baby was with God either way. That mindset allowed us to be emotionally free.

The Dr. came in and talked to my husband and I about everything. He asked how I was feeling and wanted to know literally everything. He asked me how I was emotionally and he told me that he would tell me information as he would tell his wife. Knowing that gave me comfort because I knew that he actually cared. He also conversed with my husband about things in a way that allowed him to have a say in what was going on. The Dr. was in mid-sonogram and gave us the same news that we had heard in a much better way. He showed us the difference of what our baby should look like and what it looked like now and he showed us where we should be seeing the heartbeat. He gave us proof of everything and allowed us to see our reality.

At that time, he gave us awhile to think about what was going on and explained to us that nothing of what happened was our fault. I needed to hear that. I am very hard on myself and I usually take blame for most of what happens. At this time, I just wanted to pause and give God the glory. There was a huge relief at this moment for both of us because we knew that our baby was in the most perfect hands. We found peace in that. God gave me the gift of pregnancy and that is so much more than many women get to experience.

So, now what? After a bit of a reality check my husband and I were given options. Only one option would work for us. My cervix would not open to have a natural miscarriage. I was not going to be able to miscarry the baby naturally. If I were to miscarry the baby naturally, there could have been several weeks or months before release. Also, with the natural miscarriage the risk of many complications were visible. The Dr. highly recommended the D&C....so that is what we did.

That very next day I had a D&C. The surgery went well and everything seemed to just move on....or so I thought. Two days after the D&C I was experiencing pain that I could barely handle. I have a high pain tolerance and I could barely handle it. Everything that I had been told was that a D&C is super easy and the healing process was fast and painful. I dealt with the pain for about three more days. At this time I found myself on the bathroom floor barely able to move because of the pain I was experiencing. I called my husband and he came home from work. He rushed me to the Emergency Room. That ride to the hospital was horrible. I just wanted to get relief. Finally, we got to the hospital and they took me in to find that I had an infection starting. They gave me a shot and sent me home with antibiotics.

Two weeks after the D&C the pain started going away slowly and I was able to do my normal house chores for about ten to twenty minutes at a time. After that, I would start hurting and would have to sit down. Bleeding continued to get worse but I just figured that it was normal.

Well, here I am at three weeks after the D&C and I am still experiencing a little bit of pain and the same bleeding. My life isn't back to normal yet. I can't do much for long periods of time. I am normally a very active person, but I can barely do anything without experiencing pain and heavy bleeding. I may have to go back to the Dr. but I feel better about everything as a whole.

So...while people were in an uproar about deciding which bathroom to use or whether or not a gorilla shooting was appropriate, my husband and I were mourning over the loss of our baby. Yes, I said baby! Life begins at conception. I have been told that this miscarriage shouldn't be a big deal or that I should just move on because we can have another baby....it hurts. We did have a son or daughter within me and we lost him or her.

I'm sharing my story because I want people to know what I have gone through. I want people to know that I am here for them. No, I'm not looking for attention and I'm not looking for any negative or positive comments. I just think that maybe...someone out there...somewhere....is experiencing this same thing. I want to be there for that person. I want to lift them up in prayer just as many of my friends and family lifted me up. God is good. Always.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4  “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Love each and every one of you! 

Apple Jacks and Froot Loops

Life...something all of us are gifted with. I'm wondering if we take that gift for granted. We live in a fast paced society that jumps day by day to get to the next best thing...yet, nobody is content. Everyone is searching to reach the next level of life...the next dollar...the next title...the next graduation...the next child...the next holiday...the next birthday...the next break. Do you see where I'm going with this? We are not content. We want what is next, not what is present. 

In this gift of life, we have seasons. In those seasons we experience many different emotions, trials, and changes. I am beginning to clearly recognize those seasons in my life up to my current age...and let me tell you friend, it's mind-blowing. 

Season 1: Go With The Flow

I'm going to start when I was a youngster because that's when, well...my memory starts. My grandma adopted me and I can only remember my life with her as a young child. She was my caregiver and I was/am extremely attached to her. She took me to church nearly every Sunday and I just kind of went wherever she took me. My life seemed to be perfect! I was living high on the hog! I mean, I was only 4-5 years old...the most exciting time for me was my birthdays and Christmas! (I just knew I got presents and that's all I cared about) I dreamed of those days! I guess I kind of literally went with the flow of what happened around me. I lived on Disney and The Land Before Time. I searched for the cereal boxes that had the color changing spoons in them because I thought they were magic! It didn't take much to make me happy; however, if grandma was sad, I was sad. If my aunt Kerri was sad, I was sad. I copied their emotions...so as long as they were happy, my life was good! 

Season 2: Death is real. 

Okay so if anyone knows me or my family, they know that we have animals. Unfortunately, animals don't live forever as I had thought they did. Even though I had experienced death of my grandfather at a young age...I couldn't comprehend it clearly. I just thought he went away to a place called Heaven and that he needed to wear his glasses because he didn't look the same without them when he passed away. I had no clue what Heaven was but I knew he was there. Anyways, one day grandma found one of our cats frozen in the shed and I was devastated. I didn't show emotion because I thought I needed to be strong for grandma. I held myself together the whole day but I cried myself to sleep that night. I was never going to see my kitty again. Was there kitty heaven? I didn't know. Somewhere in my mind I decided that there had to be a kitty heaven and I found peace there. Here I realized that death is real...and I realized that anything could die at any moment...so here comes the ulcers. 

Season 3: Where is grandma? 

So, I was in kindergarten and I had to go to a baby sitter half of the day after kindergarten was over. I had to separate from my grandma because she had to work. Let me tell you...I can still remember to this day how terrible this time was for me. I was traumatized. I calculated how long it took to get to my babysitters from the school so that I could calculate the time grandma would get to my babysitters after her work. She arrived around 3:55 each day. If she was a minute late, I freaked out because I knew (in my 6 year old mind) she got into a car wreck. Pretty deep stuff. Anyways, I'm sure the babysitter thought I was a psychopath 6 year old who was too attached to their mom...but in all reality, I was scared that she would die. 

Season 4: God is real

So my life took a spin here and I'm not sure many know about it. I was seven years old and I could read! I started reading the Bible and I could understand it...well some of it. Grandma had supplied me with the tools I needed to become a Christian girl but it was my job to use the tools she gave me. I think I was stuck in Genesis for about a year because I couldn't read half of the words. I sat in my bedroom and prayed to God to teach me what I needed to know to become a Christian girl, and that is exactly what God did. At just seven years old, God began to speak to me and instill within me what I needed to do to become a Christian girl...and that was to believe. At this point, I knew very little about the Bible but God has placed an amount of faith in me that allowed me to truly believeHe was out there. By this time, I had heard several sermons and had attended several Bible schools but nothing really hit home to me like it did that day in my bedroom. God was real and this Jesus guy played a part in it too...even though I didn't really understand who Jesus was. My friend Norman filled me in on the rest of the details I was missing. I began to speak to Norman about what I had learned and he said it was time for me to get baptized. This is where the journey begins. 

Season 5: High school slump! 

Well, as most can imagine...being a Christian in elementary school was pretty easy. I just thought I needed to talk about God a lot and make sure that I prayed for my food before lunch. The simple Christian life! I didn't need to give up anything...well except maybe a pencil or an eraser to a friend who was needy. God was still working through me though. ;) Once I hit high school it got harder...from bullies to clothing issues...to listening to bad music to watching bad things...to going to church on Wednesdays to cussing with a friend on Thursdays. I was the perfect Christian girl...just kidding! I strayed away badly in high school because I just wanted to fit in! My life was crazy! I had to be on the top! I had to be the best! I had to have a boyfriend! I needed to be successful in my cheerleading, Jesus preaching , A Plus, PERFECT LIFE! I was messed up. My morals were off. My identity was in materialistic things. Success was my goal. I was selfish. I literally needed someone to smack some reality in me...and that is exactly what happened. 

Season 6: Reality Check 

So I was in youth group one Wednesday and Josh (my youth pastor) had this great idea of writing sins down on a rock and burying those rocks so the sins were no longer with us. Of course this youth lesson was at a perfect time...you know, one of those times that God is literally molding you back into place. That's what this night was for me. I put all my sins on this rock and three things were revealed to me from that moment on. 

1.) sin is real 

2.) death is real 

3.) I need to change 

These three things have stuck with me my entire life because these three things are ongoing. Sin will always be real and a struggle for me. Death will always be present in my life in some shape or form. I am in constant need of change in some aspect of my life. This was the summer of my junior year...my senior year was radically different. Graduation came and went and college became the new reality. 

Season 7: The Mysterious Beyond 

So college was great! I met many new friends who had the same life goals as me! We just wanted to get to Heaven and take others with us. Sounds good? Yeah, we thought so too...until we realized that it wasn't that easy. Outside of the little town of Dexter, I realized that people don't always listen and like God. All of my teachers weren't Christians and half of my friends weren't either. I was placed in my own mission field and man was it a battle. So I graduated from Cowley and continued to Southwestern knowing that I planted seeds at Cowley in hopes that they would grow. Southwestern was a place that had seeds already planted. In fact, seeds were planted all over the place. God was poppin out everywhere! But still, I was working on the three aspects that I learned in youth group. Here is the time and point that God gave me a huge fact that only I could know ;)...reading your Bible is key! I found myself listening to everyone else and losing focus as to what the Bible says. Whoa! Fun fact: the Bible is always right. So I started to dig in more and more each day.

Death became less scary because I learned that Jesus had already died the ultimate death so that I wouldn't have to. Death is just a scary word for meeting. Now I look forward to that meeting with Jesus Christ because I can say that I truly believe in Him! With that, I learned that I will always continue to sin...and even on those dark days, God still picks me up. With sin, I learned that I will always need to change...because once I learn my sinful nature, I need to change and repent...and move on! It's a daily process that requires a daily action. I'm in season 8 now...and let me tell you, my life is a roller coaster with many ups and downs, twists and turns, abrupt stops...but I look around as I am on this roller coaster and realize, I'm not the only one riding. Thanks for being on this roller coaster with me my dear friend. Life is good. God is good. I am not good. I need to change.